| "Hayseeds from Hades" Excerpt |
| CUT TO EXT. CRASH SITE - HIGH SHOT Limo speeding away down the empty freeway, Death by Numbers SONG "BODYBAG TIME" CRUNCHING LOUDLY as we CRANE DOWN to the CRUSHED TOWTRUCK. No one could have survived. No one did. CONTINUE CRANING DOWN into the GROUND. MUSIC grows muted, finally fades out completely as we PASS THROUGH MILES of ROCK at HIGH SPEED until we break free into... ANGLE ON - HELL! As far as the eye can see, TORTURED SOULS carry burning rocks across a huge burning cave so that MORE TORTURED SOULS can carry them back as... Tinny RAP MUSACK plays. Elevator versions of RAP CLASSICS like "Whoop There it Is." High up on a red rock cliff is a single window. The Main Office. And high above... A small hole in HELL's CEILING. It swells open as a contorted image becomes DUB's and BUD's CRACKLING SPIRITS spewing out the bottom of the gopher hole into Hell. Their SPIRITS dance together, come apart, re-attach, all the while crashing around the room, dipping into eternal flames, with little YIPS and OUCHES at each dip, coming... CLOSE TO US where we can see their spirit faces still scrunched, then zooming FAR AWAY as they whoosh around and finally head for that single, lit office window where... INT. THE HEAD OFFICE A DBN song plays: "Hell is for Real Men 'Cause Hell is for Real, Man!" LOUD. Decor is Early Gothic Torture. As... BUD & DUB BLOB ZAPS in, shrieks horribly, SPARKING, tears apart and drops BUD and DUB in front of a HUGE, ORNATE, more or less DISGUSTING OOZING DESK, behind which sits a similar quasi-human beastly form, known as... SATAN Hi, fellas. You can tell by the name plaque that reads: Satan. And the toothy, oozing smile, and of course the horns. One scaly knee crossed over the other, he emery-boards his front claws, casually. BUD & DUB share a look. Then: BUD & DUB Hi. SATAN points a spiny, yellow fingernail at BUD's arm where a "Satan Rules" tattoo stands out prominently. SATAN Nice tats. BUD Thanks. I did 'em myself. SATAN I never would've guessed. DUB Wait. I did the that devil on your butt, man. You couldn't reach. BUD That's right you did. I forgot. But I did this one. Rolls up his sleeve to show goofy looking devil. SATAN leans closer to it. Scowls, then smiles a horrific smile. SATAN So, despite your artistic... limitations, you know who I am. DUB We do? SATAN Yesssss, you do. Snake tongue darts. BUD looks at Satan, then around the room. Finally at the name plaque on the desk. BUD Sure, whatever you say... Stan. SATAN snaps a quick look at the name plaque. Then ROARS: SATAN Not STAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!! IT ECHOES TO THE ENDS OF HELL and back, blowing a powerful foul wind over the Hayseeds which blows their metal-cuts nearly off their heads. DUB cringes. DUB Does the word Tic-Tacs ring a bell? BUD Yeah, you better do something about that or I'm gonna puke. Winces at DUB who grins. They high five. SATAN leans in. SATAN You're... joking, right? BUD No, man. My churn's... churnin'. SATAN I mean... Wait.... you don't know who I am, do you? (they shrug) You have no idea. They shake no. SATAN crawls up on his desk, long slithery dragon tail swatting; BUD and DUB have to duck to avoid it. Clawed feet grip edge of the desk. SATAN leans over, bends toward their faces with one particularly nasty, oozing eye. A few hundred FLIES find it appealing, though. SATAN Let me give you some clues: You've worshipped me for years. BUD Uh... Don Cornelius?! DUB You've really let yourself go to hell, Don. SATAN NOOOO!! Well, YES! But JUST THE HELL PART! The REST IS NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!! NOOOOOOO!!! He acts hurt. Then angry. That roaring wind again. DUB looks hurt while BUD is looking greener. BUD You know, now that I’m getting’ a good look… SATAN Uh-huh. DUB Yeah, the hair. Hair? Scales are more like it. Satan looks up, wondering. BUD & DUB Don KING! Whoa! Jumps off the desk, his fat, boil-covered legs undulating. Walks around them, posing, trying to jar their memories. SATAN Look, try again. Look at this profile, these teeth. BUD Bobby Brown? Opens his mouth like twenty feet wide to reveal row after row of GNARLY YELLOW TEETH, dripping with goo. SLAPS it shut so fast, some of the goo flaps onto BUD. BUD I'm gonna barf, I'm warnin' ya! SATAN No, no, no! You never hurl down here! That would give you relief from feeling like you're gonna hurl which would defeat the whole purpose of Hell! Where're you two morons from? DUB Uh... Dumpkin? SATAN No wonder! ROARS FIRE and BRIMSTONE out a hundred feet, apparently singeing some doomed ones who CRY OUT. BUD & DUB still look baffled. SATAN stops. Scratches his head. SATAN Let me see if I can make this a little easier for you. Snaps his clawed fingers. A SCREEN APPEARS showing DUB and BUD in the TOWTRUCK, speeding after the limo. SATAN This was you, two minutes ago. BUD & DUB Uh-huh. Nodding, remembering. SATAN snaps the slide button. It changes to a view of the TOWTRUCK CRASHING. SATAN This was you one minute ago. DUB & BUD Uh-huh... Getting worried. SATAN pauses, that eye goes wide. SATAN And this is you... FOR THE REST OF ALL ETERNITY!!!!! Snaps the little button and suddenly BUD & DUB are whisked up, slung crazily through... ROARING FIRES and... A ROMAN VOMITORIUM and... BOILING LAVA PITS and... JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL URINALS and... Then they're returned to... INT. SATAN'S OFFICE Plunk. They look at each other, totally horrified. DUB Shit! SATAN (happy, now) Um-hmmmm. BUD We're at fuckin' DISNEYWORLD! They BOTH SCREAM BLOODY MURDER! SATAN cringes. SATAN NOOOOOOOO!!!! (they stop) ... Close. But no. BUD Then where are we? SATAN (finally!) You're in HEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! This time the wind and breath go on for long moments before the finally stop, leaving silence. A long beat. Then BUD bends over and... HURLS ALL OVER SATAN'S FEET. BUD looks up. Shakes it off. DUB reels a little. DUB Dude! I paid a buck-oh-five for those six chilly corndogs with extra Cheesewhiz and Heinz sweet relish straight from our grocer's dairycase. BUD Sorry, Dub. Next ones are on me. DUB Yeah, these are on him. They laugh. SATAN looks at them, then down at the steaming pile on his craggy feet. Lifts one. It glops and strings. SATAN Maybe I made a mistake. Adolph! BUD and DUB look down at their zippers self-consciously. DUB How'd you know what we named... SATAN rolls his eyes as... HITLER rushes in, goosestepping. HITLER YAWOL, YOUR HOLY HELLNESS! SATAN Would you quit brown-nosing! It's been sixty years, already! HITLER I'M SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME, YOUR SATANSHIP! I'M NOT A PEOPLE PERSON, YOU KNOW! SIR! SATAN (rolls his eyes) I want a full 6-6-6 run on these two. HITLER YAWOL, MEIN MASTER! NAMES? BUD Bud. DUB Dub. SATAN Jesus. HITLER HIM TOO? AGAIN, COMMANDANT? SATAN NOOO! GET OUT!!! HITLER grovels, rushes away. SATAN shakes his head. SATAN He had such promise... You two go to reception and... wait. DUB Okay, Stan. SATAN SAAATTTAANNNNN! BUD Yeah, right. Whatever. Rolling their eyes, they step out into... HALLWAY OUTSIDE SATAN'S OFFICE View of Hell on one side, glassed-in Satan's office on the other. BUD & DUB walk along, chatting, looking around at all the misery and eternal grief. SATAN walking along inside the glass, pacing them, peering out with curiosity. BUD I think he's tellin' the truth, Dub. I think we're in Hell. DUB I never thought it'd be so... big. BUD And hot. DUB Yeah, it's hotter than Dumpkin in August. BUD Oh yeah! Much hotter. DUB Well, maybe not much hotter. Just kinda much hotter. BUD Yeah, kinda much hotter a little. DUB And maybe it smells worse, too. Like the dumpster out back'a your dad's Dairy Dip. DUB Nothin' smells that bad. They wrinkle their noses together. SATAN just can't figure them out as they walk past the end of the office and he runs into the wall. WE STAY with BUD and DUB as there is a tremendous BOOOOM! and chunks of Office Wall blow past. DUB I kinda like that Stan, guy, though. His tail is cool. BUD Yeah. He should do something about that breath, though. DUB Yeah! I haven't seen you barf like that since we made you eat cow shit in 3rd grade. BUD It was a pretty big puddle'a hurlcheese, wasn't it, Dub? DUB You may have set a record, Bud. We'll have to check it out in that book, soon as we learn to read a little faster. BUD Yeah. Dub... you think he really is Satan? They stop, suddenly. Eyes wide as they remember... BUD Stan... DUB Say-tan... BUD & DUB It's HIM!!! They high five. Never happier. BUD Wait'll we tell everyone back home we went to Hell and met Satan! DUB They'll worship at our feet forever. BUD And we won't even have to try to eat a live chicken, again! Double high-five. They go off with snaps in their steps. |